Reinventing Myself.

Over the past couple of years, so many events have touched my life and taken tolls on my life, that sometimes it is hard to remember who I am. Before I lost Drake, I was this "family oriented" person in every possible way. I continued traditions that I was raised on with everything from family meals to holidays and right on down the line. Then, my world fell out from under me when my son died before he barely had a chance to live. That day, or rather those two days I should say, forever changed who I am. I am still the same person on the outside. On the inside, I have changed in more ways than one. My outlook on so many things have changed.

The most difficult thing for me to cope with is holidays. I want so much to carry on with the traditions that I always have. Decorating as normal, traditions as always, and so on. When it comes right down to doing it, it is like prying myself from the strongest magnet in the world, with the magnet usually on the winning end. The last two Christmas' have been this way. Easter is this way. Valentine's Day has been this way (we usually get the boys huge valentine themed stuffed animals). 4th of July, etc, etc. You get the idea. I keep telling myself that I am in a funk and have to pull myself out of it. As much as I try to "pep" myself up for traditions, they have lost their zest for me. I honestly cannot say that losing Drake is the only reason I have changed this much. So much else has happened over the last couple of years, it could be a number of things. My parents divorce took a toll on me even if my parents don't think it should have. No, he was not my birth father but he was in my life growing up for over 27 years. My brother walked out of my life a couple of years ago. Last fall he only walked back in my life when his dad recruited me to bail him out of jail. I was hopeful for a reconciliation with my brother, even if it was slow coming. The wool was apparently pulled over my eyes because he will only have contact with me if he feels like he is "obligated" to (daddy tells him to, he thinks he could jeopradize his bail, etc). Add to that adding Xavier to my family just over a year ago which automatically brought DCF, the courts, and Stacy back into my life. That was a stress overload to say the least. I love Xavier, I really do. It is just challenging with everything else to re-adjust our family, our life, and reposition everyone and everything. I have no regrets with adding Xavier to our family. At many times he is a true joy to have around.

Nobody can forget the falling out with my mother. The event and details are still saddening and surprising at the same time. Life is short. So, when she came around and wanted to reconnect, despite my hard feelings, I allowed it. I did not consider myself when I made this choice. I took into consideration my 3 children who deserve to have a chance at knowing their grandmother. I put my differences aside and I moved on. I reconnected with my ex-stepfather and his new wife. He told me how sorry he was that I didn't have a relationship with my mom (at that time we had not reconnected). He told me that mother's are important to their kids and he wished that something could be worked out so that I could have her in my life as well (just not if he was present). Well, I did not notify the press when things with my mother picked back up. My ex-stepfather found out by chance. I did want to tell him personally. With him being over the road most of the time, I didn't have the opportunity to do so. Since he found out, he has not spoken to me. His new wife has. She has her moments when she is sweet as pie. I also notice times when she can be a little cold about things, though I feel these times are when he has been ranting about my mother, or something he does not agree with that I have done, etc. This probably doesn't make sense unless you are wearing my shoes.

Much of this is what I attribute to my changes in my personality and my outlook on life, traditions, etc.